The Pen Show
by Alyse Hhang
Summary: We drag Harry Potter characters and force them to tell their secrets! The brother of The Pencil Show! Oh, there are some mention of *stuff* so I had to up level the censor so more people would be aware.
1. Ron

Mr. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap: Welcome to the Pencil Show's younger brother, The Pen Show! With all thanks to this one author who I forgot her name. Anyway, if you think I am boring you already, then go to the Pencil Show!  
  
*sound of moving chairs and everyone leaving*  
  
Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it: Since we are the Pencil Show's younger brother, we talk about similar things. For example, the Pencil Show talks about Lord of the Rings characters, and we talk about Harry Potter characters. Today, our special van managed to capture Ron Weasley and strip him of his magical powers. Come on in Ron Weasley!  
  
*some guards come in dragging Ron Weasley*  
  
Mr. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap: So, Ron, we are here to confess your deepest secrets.  
  
Ron: NO! I heard of this torture from Sam! He was in the Pencil Show! No! Don't do this to me! NO!!!  
  
Mr. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap: Continuing with the show… so Ron, we have a question here from Anonymous… Is it true that you dyed your hair red just to be part of the Weasley family? Is it true then that you are an orphan?  
  
Ron: I am not an orphan! You can wash my hair and sees that it doesn't turn a different color!  
  
*guards pour buckets and buckets of water over Ron until finally a tint of yellow appears*  
  
Mr. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap: See? I guess Anonymous WAS right. He hardly is. Then that concludes that you are an orphan! No wonder you were so different from you brothers, your charming uh… how many?  
  
Ron: *growls* Five you moronic idiot.  
  
Mr. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap: Yes, your five charming brothers, if I do say so myself…  
  
Mrs. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap: *calls from the remaining audience* YOU ARE MARRIED TO ME! SAY IT TO YOURSELF! YOU ARE NOT GAY! YOU ARE MARRIED TO ME, A WOMAN!  
  
Mr. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap: *mutters* I am married to me. Say it to yourself. I am not gay. I am married to me, a woman.  
  
Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it: Since Mr. Pen with clip- on frog on his cap is now not right in the mind, I shall continue with the show. So Ron, I have heard that you have no love life. Is that true?  
  
Ron: *blushes* Yes.  
  
Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it: Why is it Ron? Didn't you ask Fleur out for the Yule Ball? Didn't you go to the Yule Ball with *consults notecards* ah… Padma? Eh?  
  
Ron: Hey, Fleur turned out to be half veela and Padma, well, I HAD to ask her. There was no other choice! *sniff*  
  
Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it: In other words, you have no love life. Yes?  
  
Ron: Yes.  
  
Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it: Also, I have heard that you are jealous of Harry Potter, your best friend. Why?  
  
Ron: I'm not jealous. *mutters* Maybe a little bit.  
  
Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it: What was that?  
  
Ron: YES! Ok? I have been jealous ever since he stepped foot in the stupid Hogwarts. Harry that, Harry this! It makes me so sick! *pants*  
  
Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it: And one more question than you are free. I mean after we put a Memory Spell on you. Why do you despise your mother's hand-knitted sweaters? They are so maroony!  
  
Ron: Shush! My mum is watching this show!  
  
Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it: *louder* Why do you despise your mother's hand-knitted sweaters?  
  
Ron: *slides under that chair and mutters* They are maroon and the itch and they are horrible! And Mum, please don't send me a Howler! Please!  
  
Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it: And that's all for now! Guards, perform a memory charm! And next time, we will have Hermione on this show! Stay tuned. What do you have to say Mr. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap?  
  
Mr. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap: I am married to me. Say it to yourself. I am not gay. I am married to me, a woman.  
  
A/N: Please give me questions! I am out! 


	2. Hermione

Akia: I am your new host, Akia! Mr. Pen with clip-on frog on his cap had his memory lost when the spell backfired. Ms. Notepad with "I feel maniacally crazy" on it got her memory lost too. I am here with Okia.  
  
Okia: Hi!  
  
Akia: Getting back to the Pen Show, we have captured Hermione. She was a tough one, but we have captured her! Muhaha!  
  
Okia: Okay. Bring her in!  
  
*guards bring Hermione in*  
  
Akia: So, Hermione, how did you manage to get to Hogwarts?  
  
Hermione: Well, my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great grandmother's cousin's teacher's mother's aunt's friend's sister's husband's grandmother who happened to be a witch said that her grandson's sister's friend's aunt's mother's teacher's cousin's grandmother's great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great grandchild would have magical powers. And that's me!  
  
Okia: And who is that great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great grandmother's cousin's teacher's mother's aunt's friend's sister's husband's grandmother?  
  
Hermione: *mutters*  
  
Akia: What was that?  
  
Hermione: Gregory Goyle.  
  
*gasp*  
  
Okia: Why, you are somewhat related to Gregory Goyle! This is good information.  
  
*Herimone's eyes turn red*  
  
Akia: *whispers to Okia* Remember, we haven't striped her of her magical powers yet!  
  
Okia: Oops.  
  
Akia: Continuing… we have another question for you, do you like Krum?  
  
Hermione: Yes, I do like Krum… at least I hope so.  
  
Okia: Well, we got news for you! Krum has just been spotted walking down the streets of Madrid with two charming young ladies in each arm. Do you have a comment?  
  
Hermione: It can't be! Krum promised! We made a blood oath! It can't be! He went to the Yule Ball with me! It can't be! *screams.  
  
Akia: *whispering to Hermione* We still have 30 minutes! Get up!  
  
Okia: Hermione, were you always the brainic? Even in Muggle school?  
  
Hermione: No. I used to be class dope. When I was in first grade, I still couldn't write my own name. When I was in fourth grade, I was just learning my muplitication tables. When I bought my magic books, I found a smart spell and put it on me. That's how I became the brainic that you now know today. *blushes*  
  
Akia: So THAT'S your secret. Anymore magical spells?  
  
Hermione: Yes, in order to protect my identiy, just in case, I purposely made my teeth to look a bit bigger and made my hair more curly. So when the Yule Ball rolled around, I wanted a change from my disguise. So I just simply changed from my disguise to my real look. Everyone thought I had put on a disguise.  
  
Okia: This is good!  
  
*Akia pinches Okia*  
  
Okia: Ok, ok.  
  
Akia: We have one more question. Hermione, if Krum was cheating on you, would you move on to Draco?  
  
Hermione: I would never! Just Gregory Goyle.  
  
Okia: What?! That *****?! You **** *** *****!!!!  
  
*Hermione whips out her wand and turns Okia into a potato chip*  
  
Hermione: Let's see how long you will live! *cackles and disappears*  
  
Akia: I wonder why she didn't do that eariler in the show. It would of saved her lots of embarassment. Now folks, we have lost another talk show host due to our characters. If you would like to sign up for a talk show host, please sign up! Thank you! And this concludes our show! Next time… the big star! Harry Potter! We will be on at 7:00 with our new talk show host! See you next time!! 


	3. Harry

1 A/N: All ideas of kidnapping characters and forcing to share secrets all go to Hikaness. Check out her stories! Sorry Hikaness for not asking to use the idea of thingy.  
  
2  
  
3 Akia: Welcome to our newest edition of the Pen Show. Previously, we had our *counts* three talk show hosts had been made into potato chips, or been backfired by the Memory Charm. I am the longest lasting talk show host, I've only been on for one show! *waits for laughter, doesn't get any* Anyway, our NEW talk show host, is………. Bubbles, the goldfish! Bubbles the goldfish was the only one I could find in less than 1 week. Bubbles, what do you want to say?  
  
Bubbles: Glub. Glub.  
  
Akia: Nice. We have our long-awaited guest. Harry Potter. He put up a stronger fight than Hermione, but here he is!  
  
Harry: I WON'T TALK!  
  
Akia: That's what they all say. First question. Is it true that you have a secret desire for Hermione?  
  
Harry: I WON'T TALK!  
  
Akia: *sigh* GUARDS!  
  
*guards and give Harry a liquid dose*  
  
Akia: Are you better now Harry?  
  
Harry: Ya! What's the question?  
  
Akia: Do you have a secret passion for Hermione?  
  
Harry: I guess. Not really. I still like Cho Chang. Hermione is ugly. The only reason I'm her "loyal" friend is because she does my homework for me. That's how I pass.  
  
Akia: Wow! Big surprise! Is the scar on your head real?  
  
Harry: *mutters and then blushes*  
  
Akia: WHAT?! WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!  
  
Harry: NO! Okay? At first it used to be, then it gradually faded. So I had it painted on. You can even peel it off if you want! I need to scar. It proves that Lord Voldemort is still in my body, yet I am staying strong!  
  
Akia: *raises eyebrow* That's quite interesting. Now, Harry, what do you do in your spare time? Play wizard chess? Plot up ideas? Huh?  
  
Harry: Nah. I like to fix screws.  
  
Akia: Really? I thought that a wizard would have more of an interesting hobby.  
  
Harry: Not really. I like to fix screws on broken lamps that Ron stupidly threw an enchanted ball at. It bounced all over the place, and besides, I get extra credit for doing it. But, don't tell Professor McGonagall, this, but I am actually bewitching them. Fred and George gave me this bewitching screwdriver.  
  
Professor McGonagall: I heard that!  
  
Harry: Oops.  
  
Akia: Another question, if you are a wizard, why don't you use your magic to fix your messy hair, your crooked teeth, your broken glasses?  
  
Harry: You know, I have always heard it is the inside that counts. Not the outside. But I do fix my hair occasionally. To make it look nice. *blushes* for this one special girl other than Cho.  
  
Akia: Who?! Everyone is dying to know Harry.  
  
Harry: *blushes* Do I have to tell?  
  
Akia: Yes!  
  
Harry: Hermione.  
  
Akia: I thought you liked Cho better.  
  
Harry: Yea, but Cho is stupider and older. I am just using Hermione right now to gain her knowledge, then I am going on to Cho. It is all of my secret plan. Muahahhaha! *cackles*  
  
Akia: AH…. So, Harry, I'm just wondering, if you had a child, what would you name it?  
  
Harry: Hog.  
  
Akia: Excuse me?  
  
Harry: Hog. Because hogs are my favorite animals.  
  
Akia: Right. One more question, can you really speak the snake language?  
  
Harry: Not really. I have a faint idea on what they are talking about, but when in an emergancy, I just put a spell on me and then in front of people, I just hiss and hiss. Like this… hisssssssshassssssssssssshissshasssshisss! And people get scared of me.  
  
Akia: Ahh… we have discovered a few secrets about Harry, some wild ones. Some quite odd ones. Come back next time! Our guest is………….. Ginny Weasley! If you want to send us questions, send them! And if you want to sign up for a talk show host, then you can gladly replace Bubbles!  
  
Bubbles: Glub. Glub. Glub.  
  
Akia: See ya next time! 


	4. Ginny

Akia: Okay and welcome on our newest edition of the Pen Show! We STILL have no other talk show host, so Bubbles is still here. What do you have to say Bubbles?  
  
Bubbles: Glub. Glub.  
  
Akia: Interesting. Our guest today is Ginny Weasley! Ginny was easy to decieve, very easy. Come on it Ginny!  
  
*guards bring in Ginny who is dazed*  
  
Akia: Just to tell you, Ginny has been put on a Truth Potion, just like other guest in this show, except Ginny had a greater effect. So Ginny, do you love living in "The Burrow"?  
  
Ginny: The Burrow? I HATE The Burrow!!! It is so crowded, and it smells awful. It is so noisy with the ghoul or whatever, so messy with the garden gnomes, and everything else. I HATE it! I wish so badly that I could move somewhere else. Somewhere more normal. And richer.  
  
Akia: But we have always heard that Weasleys love their Burrow. Why is it?  
  
Ginny: I am not a Weasley! I am a Humburg! My stupid father married this other girl, Leasley Humburg, then left her and married this stupid other girl, the one I call mum! Leasley Humburg had me, Ginny, and then handed me over to my father. So therefore, I am a Humburg!  
  
Akia: Newsflash! Authoress has just given us five new questions. Here is the first one: Can you count?  
  
Ginny: What?!  
  
Akia: It's says right here. *shows note cards*  
  
Ginny: Ahh.. okay, I can't really count, but I can count up to 10, see……… google, playground, woodchucks, lampshade, 49, notepad, bubbles….  
  
Bubbles: GLUB?  
  
Ginny: Bunny, 184, 10! See, I told you.  
  
Akia: Another question, do you like Harry, or are you using him?  
  
Ginny: I am using him. Know why? Practically the same reason Ron is using him. I want him for popularity. I want him because he is famous. I want him because he is rich. I want him because he is perfect! I don't want him because I love him, I just want his popularity, and money!  
  
Akia: Ok-ay. Another question…  
  
Ginny: When is this going to end?!  
  
Akia: I dunno. Anyway, next question… are you schitzophrenic? Because Bubbles and I are!  
  
Ginny: *blinks* I am half schitzophrenic, half not. Because I have a passion for Colin Creevy, another for Draco. I am sooo mixed up!  
  
Akia: This show is getting weird now. ANOTHER question, did you know that Harry has an evil plot to take over the world?  
  
Ginny: No…. why Harry?! I don't want to marry an evil person! I want to marry a rich person with popularity! *wails*  
  
Akia: That's what they all say. Next question. Don't worry Ginny, this is the last one, do YOU have an evil plot to take over the world?  
  
Ginny: Yes!! I do! I am determined to make people more insane by doing the funky chicken dance, screaming out loud random things. Once everyone is insane, then I can have them under my power! Muhahahahaha!!!  
  
Akia: I thought you had a different evil laugh.  
  
Ginny: Oh yea. Ahahahahahahahahaum!  
  
Akia: Another question! SO! If your computer crashed while you were reading the Pencil Show, and Professor Dumbledore came and played Hangman with Ron, and Harry poked Hermione in the nose, what would the random lion at the zoo do??  
  
Ginny: Uh… freak out?  
  
Akia: Dunno. One more question! If the train DID reach San Fransisco, and Fawkes was still dancing with the sorting hat, and you got scared and ran in the other direction, and a freaky person shot arrows into your body 12 times, and you STILL haven't died, would you be proud of that or would you be freaked out and throw youself off a cliff?  
  
Ginny: Yes? Wait, no! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes!!!  
  
Akia: Uh-huh. Right. One more question from me, do you have a nickname?  
  
Ginny: Yes, it is Fin.  
  
Akia: And that ends our show! Please apply for the talk show host for Bubbles can't live any longer without being in water. In fact, he just died.  
  
Bubbles: G-----l----u—b-.  
  
Akia: And our next guest is…….. Draco Malfoy! Send in your questions, and your application for the talk show host! Thank you and good-bye! 


	5. Draco

A/N- I'm back! Sorry I was gone so long… I thought no one liked my show. But my friend said that everyone liked it so I came back! I took some of your suggestions for Draco and we have a new host!  
  
Akia: Welcome back! We thankfully found a new host…. Taiya!  
  
*claps*  
  
Taiya: *twitch* I hope I can live *twitch*  
  
Akia: Well, we promised Draco, so here we go!  
  
*Draco walks in with glazed eyes*  
  
*clunk*  
  
Akia: We have a couple of questions…  
  
Taiya: Draco, are you sure that you are not just a perverted ghost that says "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I'm a scary ghost" because you are always stoned and you don't know that 2+2+86 times 468 is equal to *counts on fingers* 42120, since your very demented father was a Death Eater and helped open The Chamber of Secrets and I DON'T CARE IF HE WASN'T THERE FIFTY YEARS AGO TREVOR!*ahem* and yeah so um please read Legolas my love forever more by me and um yeah?  
  
Draco: Uh… who gave that question?!  
  
Taiya: *shifts notecards* er… soupaness.  
  
Draco: Well that person that *clears throat* that er…. *blushes* I am demented!  
  
Akia: Could you please answer the question?!  
  
Draco: Ah… yea… okay, so maybe I am a perverted ghost and I don't know what 2+2 is and I know that my father is a demented Death Eater…  
  
Lucius: DRACO!  
  
Taiya: Another question: Do you know that your hair look SO blonde that it looks like you had an... ahem...... UNFORTUNATE run in with your mum's laundry?  
  
Draco: Yes, that. I was young in those good ol' days when I was only ten years old. You see, I was playing hide-and-go-seek with Crabbe and Goyle. And all the good places were taken, so I had to hide in the laundry. You may not believe that, but I was actually 100 pounds lighter than I am now! Well, anyway my mom chose that time to bleach all of the clothes. So she dumped the basket in, along with me, in the laundry and she bleached my hair.  
  
Akia: What a sad childhood…  
  
Draco: Actually, that's my funnest memory.  
  
Taiya: Good grammar Draco.  
  
Akia: We have some more questions Draco. Do you know how stupid I think you are?  
  
Draco: What?!  
  
Taiya: Just answer the darn question!  
  
Draco: Not really. I highly think that I am the smartest person on planet. *clunk*  
  
Akia: Okay… another question! Is your hair natural?  
  
Draco: What do you think?!  
  
Taiya: I'll take that as a no.  
  
Draco: *growls*  
  
Akia: ANOTHER question. I heard you dye your teeth white, cause if you don't, they're purple, is that true?  
  
Draco: Fine, I'll admit it! I was put on a curse that made my teeth turn purple. I use Crest White Strips to whiten my teeth. *grins*  
  
Taiya: I heard you got a thing goin' on with Sam, the hobbit from LOTR, is that true?  
  
Draco: Who in the wizarding world is that?  
  
Akia: Don't play dumb with me!  
  
Draco: I do not have a thing with Sam! I have a thing with Legolas!  
  
Taiya: *chuckles* Muhahaha! Blackmail!  
  
A/N- Sorry that's sorta shorter… please give me more ideas! 


	6. Neville

A/N: Sorry I didn't say who our next guest was, but our next guest is... Neville!!! Oh yea, I own nobody. And the alarm idea isn't my idea. It was one of my dad's co worker.  
  
Taiya: Welcome to the Pen Show once more. Akia, died shortly after the show in an accident involving a crazy chicken, Henny the hen and lotsa sugar! And here is our new talk show host. Hika! .:twitch:.  
  
Hika: Hi peoples! I'm on a sugar high, can you tell? .:bounce:. .:bounce:. .:crash:.  
  
Taiya: I wish Akia never died.  
  
Hika: Hey! .:bounce:.  
  
Taiya: Continuing on with the show. Neville Longbottom is here today and we're sharing his secrets out to the world!  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Hika: What a strange unusual sound, yet ear splitting. .:bounce:.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Taiya: Bring out Neville!  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Hika: Uh, Taiya, the noise. it's hurting my ear.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Neville: I lost Trevor again. Can you help me find my frog? .:snort:.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Taiya: Just a question before we find your frog .:cackles:.. How did you find your frog?  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Neville: Um. my grandmother gave it to me?  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Hika: Um. Taiya, I'm going to enter a code in to stop the alarm. okay? .:bounce:.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Taiya: Are you sure?  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Neville: Um yea?  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Taiya: However we received a reporting of a grave marked Trevor the Toad buried in the Graveyard #195720-284958-349. Isn't that your toad?  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Hika: Hey! I found the code thingy! .:type type type:. .:bounce:.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Alarm system: Please get out of the building in 60.50.40. seconds. Thank you and have a nice day.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Hika: Curse you!  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Neville: .:sobs:. Yes! It is Trevor! I accidently in Potions class knocked him over in the boiling cauldron and made him into a Sleeping Potion! .:sobs:. I love you Trevor!  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Taiya: So what's the replacement frog like and what is his name?  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Neville: His name is Severus Snape and I am planning to cook him over a hot boiled cauldron just like my Trevor. .:cackles:. But I still love you Trevor! You are in my heart and I love you forever!  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Hika: Another code, must have another code. .:bounce:. .:type type type:.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Alarm system: Ha! Wrong code you idiot!  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Taiya: Would you marry Trevor if you could?  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Neville: Yes! Oh Trevor, all those memories we shared. .:weep:.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Taiya: Were you always this clumsy?  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Neville: Not really. I used to be the star gymast in my Muggle school but I sued them and my grandmother put a curse on me and I ate pizza.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Hika: Curse you! Need another code need another code. .:bounce:. .:type type type type:.  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Alarm System: You have tried too many time to guess the code. The wrong code alarm will sound in 60.30.10.1 second.  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Taiya: Ah. What's your favorite food?  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Neville: There's pizza, then ice cream, then chocolate, then sushi, then chicken, then duck, then eel, then frog legs, then pringles, then smoothies, then pencils, then tea leaves..  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Taiya: No wonder you are so fat.  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Neville: Actually, I joined the Bally Total Fitness program and lost 10 pounds in 7 days! But I think the Jenny program works even better cuz I lost 20 pounds in 10 days! Don't I look so slim and pretty now?  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Hika: Ooo! Look! The Alarm is coming from the red little boxes marked fire! I wonder if the fireman are here yet. .:bounce:.  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Taiya: Are you perverted?  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Neville: Me? Of course not! How would you come to that solution? That's silly. But I am an idiotic moronic stupidic wizard! Heehee. I can't even kiss Trevor!  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Hika: Ahhhh!!!! Where's my monkey? My monkey! My monkey! Ahhh!!! My life!!! Where's my life?! .:bounce:.  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Taiya: Just one more question, whose your secret admirer?  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Hika: Oh no! The firemen are here! .:bounce:.  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Fireman #1: Where's the fire?  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Fireman #2: Hey, dude, we drove down here for nothing? Where's the money?  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Fireman #3: Hey look! We're on the Pen Show!!! Cool! .:waves:. Hi Great Aunt Greta!  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Hika: Get out of the Pen Show!! .:bounce:.  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Fireman #1 & #2 & #3: Okay. The Please Mind Your Firemen alarm will be setting off in 10 seconds. Have a nice day.  
  
Please Mind Your Fireman Alarm: WHEEEIIIPPP WHEEEEEIIPPP WHEEEEIIIIPPP WWWEEEEHHIIIIPP  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Hika: .:wails:. .:bounce:.  
  
Please Mind Your Fireman Alarm: WHEEEIIIPPP WHEEEEEIIPPP WHEEEEIIIIPPP WWWEEEEHHIIIIPP  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Neville: My secret admirer is um. well. Ginny, Hermione, Trevor, Draco, and Cho.  
  
Please Mind Your Fireman Alarm: WHEEEIIIPPP WHEEEEEIIPPP WHEEEEIIIIPPP WWWEEEEHHIIIIPP  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Harry, Krum, Ms. Trevor, Zit faced Draco lover: DIE!!!!!! You evil Neville! Die!!!!!!!  
  
Please Mind Your Fireman Alarm: WHEEEIIIPPP WHEEEEEIIPPP WHEEEEIIIIPPP WWWEEEEHHIIIIPP  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Taiya: That's all for now!  
  
Please Mind Your Fireman Alarm: WHEEEIIIPPP WHEEEEEIIPPP WHEEEEIIIIPPP WWWEEEEHHIIIIPP  
  
Wrong Code Alarm: SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONK SNONKKKKKKKK  
  
Alarm: BZAGGGG BZAAGGGG BZZAAAGGGG  
  
Burglar Alarm: WHEEOOO WHEEEEO WHEEEOOOO WHEEEOOOO  
  
Hika: Bye and see you next time! Hopefully. .:bounce:.  
  
A/N: That was an extra long episode. The next guest.. Professor Snape! Send in your questons! 


	7. Professor Snape

A/N: Sorry, I haven't posted in SUCH a long time. I only do new talk shows once I get 6 questions cuz I am don't think such good ideas. Thanks Hika for the idea! And thanks to my SPECIAL friends for their contributions!!! Oh yea, I do not own anything.  
  
Hika: Welcome to our long lost edition of The Pen Show! Our stupid editor lost it when she was backpacking through the Arctic Circle as the round- headed perverted toucan ate it and I don't care if toucans don't live in the Arctic Circle!  
  
Akia: Anyway, our guest star this time is Professor Snape! This is the very first time that a Professor has premiered onto The Pen Show. Bring him in!  
  
Professor Snape: Do you know many cows are made each day?  
  
Hika: He had a very odd reaction to the potion sadly.  
  
Akia: By the way, we have series of questions relating to your *cough* relationships *cough*. So, our first question from StarWarrior: Do you love Professor McGonagall so much that you would die for her?  
  
Prof. Snape: *flutters eyes rapidly* My dear heart, my desire, my only, my precious *growls* I'll kill that Hagrid if he keeps his hands away from my dear heart, my desire, my only, my precious *growls* And Minerva, here's a kiss from me *blows a kiss at random figure*  
  
Akia: Is it true that Peeves dumped a love potion in the cookie batter and you ate the cookies and fell in love with Ms. Norris? Question from Riona.  
  
Prof. Snape: Ms. Norris? I loved her so badly, we had kittens together, oh those were the good 'ol days when humans were allowed to mate with other animals. *sniff*  
  
Hika: What, er, HAPPENED to the kittens?  
  
Prof. Snape: Oh, they stayed with their mothers.  
  
Akia: There's more than one mother involved?!  
  
Prof. Snape: We were still talking about Ms. Norris?  
  
Hika: Who else was involved?  
  
Prof. Snape: There's the black midnight cat, the scarlet one, the tawny one, hushbaby, Mr. Norris, and the gingered one.  
  
Akia: Hermione's cat?!  
  
Prof. Snape: Yea, that's the cat! That was my favorite!  
  
Hika: Yikes! Anyway, going back to the question. This question is from Skye Gemini: is it true that you love Draco Malfoy?  
  
Prof. Snape: Ah, have YOU ever wondered why he always passed my class? My sweetheart, too bad he didn't love me back! He'll get it, I'm sure. when he least expects it.  
  
BOO!  
  
Haha, did I scare ya? Did I? Did I did I did I did I did I? *jumps up and down*  
  
*from the audience*  
  
Prof. McGongall: YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU LOVED ANYBODY ELSE! SURE I KNEW ABOUT THE CATS, BUT WHAT EVERY HAPPENED TO TELLING SECRETES YOU LITTLE RAT! YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Prof. Snape: No YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Prof. McGongall: I fired you first so ha!  
  
Prof. Snape: But I have more power than you so YOU'RE FIRED!  
  
Prof. McGongall: I FIRED YOU FIRST SO YOU HAVE NO POWER TO FIRE MY SO NYAH NYAH NYAH BOO-BOO *sticks out tongue*  
  
Prof. Snape: WAH! I want my mommmy!  
  
Akia: Okay.Snape, are you a tranvestite? If not, did you and Quirrel have a 'thing'? Because you tried to cuddle with him in the movie. Question from shiningkitty.  
  
Prof. Snape: Another lover, Professor Quirrel. Such as shame that he had to die. Nobody was supposed to know about the cuddling! Wasn't that scene taken out?! What about that other scene with him?  
  
Hika: There was another one?  
  
Prof. Snape: ME AND MY BIG MOUTH THAT CAN'T KEEP SHUT!  
  
Akia: Here's a question from I Am A Banana My Spoon Is Too Big: I LOVE YOU! WILL YOU MARRY ME???? SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!  
  
Prof. Snape: Sure, if you have money. Because I'm all broke on the other weddings I've had. WHAT IS WITH MY BIG MOUTH?!  
  
Hika: You've had other weddings? Who what where when why and how?  
  
Prof. Snape: Do you really want to go into detail?  
  
Akia: I guess not. just one question concerning the weddings.how old was you when you first had your first wedding?  
  
Prof. Snape: About sixteen years old. That was the Lord Voldemort.  
  
Hika: I DON'T want to know.  
  
Akia: Another question from Riona.  
  
Prof. Snape: If it is about my love with Mr. Filch, DON'T SAY ANYTHING ABOUT IT!  
  
A minute later.  
  
Prof. Snape: Talking mushrooms! What is with my mouth today?!  
  
Akia: Continuing with the question. and if you were attacked by a monsterthingy the size of a building with 17-inch claws and fangs as big as cars, would you say 'Eep'?  
  
Prof. Snape: Duh! *sticks out tongue*  
  
Hika: Do you ever wash your hair, a question by Skye Gemini?  
  
Prof. Snape: No, I believe that washing my hair will lessen the chance of my hair growing. You see, I'm trying to have my hair to be as long as Rapunzel! Then my prince will come for me!  
  
Akia: Mickey has two amazing questions, 1: Have you heard of something called SHAMPOO??? Hee-hee! That's a funny word! Shampoo! Like, that wierd psycho lady from Ranma 1/2! *High pitched voice*"Ranma, hurry and to rescuing Shampoo!"*Big cheesy grin*  
  
Prof. Snape: Haven't I already answered that question?! And yes, I have heard of shampoo, I have eaten it as a desert before. I especially like Lorel Shamppo that's watermlon flavored.  
  
Hika: 2: Why is your skin sallow? DO YOU HAVE A SKIN DISEASE! AAAAAAAAH! SKIN DISEASE OF THE PINK FUZZIE BUNNY SLIPPERS!  
  
Prof. Snape: I DO NOT HAVE THE SKIN DISEASE OF THE PINK FUZZIE BUNNY SLIPPERS! I just the disease of the purple fuzzie rabbit slippers. It makes me unable to blink at all. See? *blinks*  
  
Akia: That's all folks! Lean Fat rules!  
  
A/N: Next guest. Professor Dumbledore! Send in your questions. 


	8. Professor Dumbledore

The Pen Show *drumroll*  
  
A/N:Thanks to these people for their questions: -Lady Viviane -Mickey -I Am A Banana My Spoon Is Too Big -Toasted Marshmellow -I Am A Tangerine My Spork Is Too Pointy -Isobel (and that's okay you reviewed for Chapter 1) -Loren -Zephdae -Geppe  
  
Hika: WELCOME to your doom! *cackles*  
  
Akia: And welcome to the pen show. We have a very unimportant guest today that we just managed to catch because of his unimportance since everyone nowadays are running around to catch Lord Voldemort that is hiding in the tree of 2985 Street.  
  
*drumroll*  
  
Hika: BRING IN PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE!  
  
*more drumroll*  
  
Akia: Will you stop it with the drumroll please drumroll guy?!  
  
*more drumroll*  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Hey everyone *twirls around like a ballerina*  
  
Hika: Have you EVER cut your beard?  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Of course not! I am growing it out so when I have children, I can cut it and they will have bad luck for eternity! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (etc.)  
  
Akia: Isn't that bad for your children when you have them?  
  
Professor Dumbledore: What?  
  
Hika: And will Professor McGonagall be the mother of your children?  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Will she? She does seem quite sexually active. *licks lips* Yum!  
  
Akia: *backs away and falls out of chair* Um. yea.Anyway, if the train crashed into the Titanic while it was flying through the sky, and little octopii were drinking from Moaning Myrtle's toilet, and then you were tied to a brick at the bottom of the ocean with the mermaids screeching about your glasses and your wand was gone, do the dolphins do the chicken dance?  
  
Professor Dumbledore: First off, which train is it? Because I need to crash a train sometime soon. That's my New Year resolution. Second, didn't I forbid octopi to drink from Moaning Myrtle's toilet?! I was the only person who could do that!! Third, HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I WAS TIED A BRICK AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN? I knew Lord Voldemort blabbed about something. And yes, dolphins do the chicken dance, especially me!  
  
Hika: I am getting married to I Am A Tangerine My Spork is Too Pointy! Would you like to attend the wedding? WE ARE HAVING PONY RIDES!!!!!!!! (it's a question from I Am A Banana My Spoon is Too Big)  
  
Professor Dumbledore: An invitation to a wedding? How beautiful! I didn't remember going to a wedding since my wedding to Great Old Aunt! *cries* And did you say you were having pony rides?! I LOVE PONIES! They are most beautiful creatures in the world and the most purtiest and the most cutest of all and they are just oomph!  
  
Akia: I don't want to know. Do YOU know how to spell Alan Reikkmeen's last name? I DON'T!!!! Do you think it's...  
  
1)Ricman  
  
2)Rickman  
  
3)Rikman  
  
4)Reikkmeen  
  
I THINK IT'S NUMBER 4!!!!! HOW ABOUT YOU????  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Personally, I don't think that it's any of those spellings. I think it is Rogers! Really, check on Mr. Roger's show! Don't you think that he looks a lot like Alan Reikkmeen? That was my favorite show!!  
  
Hika: Do you like cheese?  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Are you insane?! Cheese is the form of all evil in the world. Whoever eats it turns into a flying turtle being hurtled from a cannon and crashed into a giant fan club where those people beat you up so that you turn into a duck that doesn't know how to swim so when they go swimming, you sink to the deep deep deep bottom of the purple ocean but then you turn into a penguin but still you're at the bottom of the ocean so you turn into a heron that can't fly so when you try to fly, you land ontop of a car and voila! That's how you end up with a car! Eat cheese!  
  
Akia: *glazed eyed* You are so smart.can I marry you?  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Sorry, full house tonight babe. Would you like next week? I'm free midnight at the Drunken Bar.  
  
Akia: Anything Professor Dumbledore.  
  
Hika: Stop it! I want Professor Dumbledore!! *slaps Akia*  
  
Akia: I WANT HIM YOU MORONIC IDIOT!  
  
Hika: THAT'S OLD YOU KNOW FAT BUTT!  
  
Akia: Why are you looking at my butt peeves?  
  
Hika: PEEVES?! YOU ARE PEEVES YOU UGLY SLUG!  
  
Akia: *growls*  
  
Hika: *SCRATCHES AKIA*  
  
[Aika and Hika get into a cat fight]  
  
*Zephdae runs into show with Tom Riddle and Iorek Brynison*  
  
Zephdae: WHERE ARE YOU Loppy Nematoad?! I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE!  
  
[Akia and Hika stop fighting]  
  
Akia: She's not here idiot!  
  
Hika: It's a he!  
  
Akia: It's a she!  
  
Hika: It's a he!  
  
Akia: IT'S A GIRL!  
  
Hika: It's a boy!  
  
[gets into fight again]  
  
[Stage crew runs in]  
  
Stage Manager: We will host the show until Akia and Hika can settle over a decision.  
  
Stage Producer: Yea! Okay.um *picks up notecards* Dumbledore, how many children have you ever had out of wedlock?  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Let me count.*mutters* Twenty, no twenty two. Was Lavendar mine? Yes, I think so because Lavender is my favorite color.so I named her.no, then what about Ron? Oh yes, Ron is my middle name twice removed so I named him too. WAIT, no, Albert is my name twice removed. Or was it Jon? No, I'm sure it's Ron. Maybe it was Bob.or Rob.or Cob.or Hob.or Job.or Lob.or Tob.or Eob! That's it! Eob! No, it was Bobetter! No it wasn't.it was Betsy. No, Poppit you idiot. I told you a million times, it's BOBETTER! What kind of stupid middle name twice removed it that? Yours you idiot! It's Lara you idiot! No, it's Lavender! Bobetter! Lavender! Bobetter! Lavender!!! Bobetter and that's final! If you argue with me, I'll have you fired you big fartmunch.  
  
Stage Manager: So how many was it?  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Bobetter!  
  
[Stage Manager glance questioningly]  
  
Stage Producer: What? It's a fine number! Anyway, Why are you here? YOU ARE DEAD!!!!!!! I KNOW YOU ARE DEEEEEEEEAD! YOU DIED ON OCTOBER 25!!!!! IT'S NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *twitches*  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Am I dead? *pokes himself* Augh! I am dead!! I'm dead!! You killed me! I'm gonna sue you! Wait, I can't sue, I'm dead! Augh! I'm dead! I'm dead!!! Augh!!! I'm dead!!!  
  
Stage Manager: WHY CAN'T I ASK THE QUESTIONS?  
  
Stage Producer: Because I have the notecard *nyah nyah*! Ha!  
  
Stage Manager: I WANT THE NOTECARD! *grabs notecard*  
  
Stage Producer: I had it first! Stage Manager: Fartmunch! ANYWAY, what does Dumbledore wear under his robes?  
  
[Stage Manager and Stage Producer gets into fight]  
  
Professor Dumbledore: Well first, let's start from most inner layer out. There's my silk thong that is just so cozy and sweet. And then my pant legs which are hot pink, don't you think that's just such a hot color *sizzle*? Later there's my bra to hold everything together.and of course my giant billowy pants that blow in the wind. Nobody wears a shirt these days so I don't either! Plus it's quite easy to change.  
  
....  
  
That's all folks! Next guest.Goyle! 


End file.
